After more than 20 years of thinking about influence, I believe one of the most powerful tools you can use is this simple question: If I were them, what would I want me to do?
This one question changes everything. The moment we step into another person’s shoes and think about their needs, their goals, their stresses, their priorities, our entire approach shifts. We stop looking at the world only through our own lens—and our lens is always different from theirs.
Here’s an example: suppose you’re waiting on information from a coworker. The easy question is, “Do you have that information for me?” But if they had it ready, they would have already shared it. It simply isn’t their top priority.
Now ask the real question: If I were them, what would I want me to do? Maybe you’d want support. Maybe time.Maybe recognition.
So instead you might say:
“If I pull together the data, would that make it easier for you to finalize the report?” or
“Would it help if I emailed your boss and let them know how well this project is going and how much of that is because of you?”
Suddenly, you’re not another person asking for something. You’re someone helping them succeed. And people prioritize those who help them.
The biggest breakdown in communication usually isn’t skill or intelligence—it’s the inability to see things from the other person’s perspective. When we ask, If I were them, what would I want me to do? We instantly become more thoughtful, more influential, and more effective.
Try this question today in just one conversation. You may never communicate the same way again.